


Nightmares

by rubysrocket28



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 23:47:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3466562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubysrocket28/pseuds/rubysrocket28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Hope returns to the team, Ashlyn doesn't see someone who she is competing with. She see's someone who is broken. Kelley is determined to get her friend back.</p><p>Algarve Cup 2015</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ashlyn opened her eyes and turned her head toward the cheep hotel clock to see what time it was. 6:00am. They weren't due for training for another two hours. She gently moved her arm from around Ali who had snuggled into her side during the night. The defender mumbled something in her sleep as Ashlyn slid out of bed gently. She opened the curtains slightly to see the beach below her. It was almost deserted except for a familiar figure running alone. She could recognize that run anywhere. She had watched it from the sideline and studied it's movement 1000 times. Ashlyn quickly threw on some sweats and an old unc sweatshirt and headed down to the lobby, careful to close the door quietly so she didn't wake Ali. A sleepy cafe attendant said something to her in portuguese that she didn't understand. Ashlyn shook her head and smiled, grabbing two to-go coffee cups. She filled both up and chucked milk and sugar into hers. She was about to do the same to the other one but paused. Did Hope like milk and sugar? She was pretty strict about her diet so probably not? She screwed on the tops and headed outside. At first she thought she had missed the older woman. Maybe she had gone back inside. She looked the other way down the beach and saw a faint figure sitting in the sand. She made her way over, walking up quietly, her flip-flops slipping off her feet.

"Hey"

"Hey" Hope responded, not looking at the younger woman.

Ashlyn sat down next to her, placing her coffee in the sand. "I wasn't sure If you wanted milk or sugar so I just…."

Hope smiled slightly. "Black is great. Thanks."

Ashlyn relaxed a little. "Your welcome."

The two sat in silence for a while, just watching the small waves break onto the shore.

"I wanted to thank you for leaving me that message before the France game. For saying that I would be fine and that you believed in me. It meant a lot. More than you know." Hope nodded, still staring out at the horizon.

"Did you mean it? What you said?"

Hope dug her toes into the sand and took another sip of coffee. "Every word. Iv'e watched you grow up and seen the work you have put in and progress you have made. Your a great goalkeeper. Ashlyn blushed.

"What are you doing up so early running?" Ashlyn asked. "You know Dawn will kill you if she finds out" she added, playfully nudging Hope.

Hope shrugged. "Couldn't sleep. My therapist says that for most people running or physical exertion when you have feelings of anxiety is healthy but for me it is the outward expression of childhood trauma that I have consistently run away from dealing with throughout my adult life. So I dunno maybe that's why.

Ashlyn squeezed Hopes arm.

"How are you?"

Hope was shredding her now empty coffee cup into pieces. "I'm okay"

"How are you really?"

Hope sighed, closing her eyes. "I just…I can't talk about it. Not now. Can we just…sit. Can we just sit and not talk?" Hopes voiced cracked, almost like she was begging. Ashlyn wondered how the strong, powerful woman she had always known was also this fragile creature sitting in front of her.

"Yeah…Yeah we can just..sit."

 

* * *

 

 Abby walked by Hope and Kelley's room and saw the door slightly open with a small light on in the corner. She opened the door quietly and peeked inside. Kelley was reading a book with her iPhone as a light and Hope was fast asleep.

"Kelley!" Abby whispered. Kelley didn't hear her so she padded quietly into the room, tapping Kelley's book which she was holding over her face.

"Kelley it's two in the morning, what are you doing up?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

Abby rolled her eyes, pulling the book away from Kelley's face. "Don't be such a smartass, you need sleep. We have training at 7:00.

"I'll be fine Abby, don't worry about me. You can leave, and please close the door behind you on your way out."

Abby looked over at Hope. "Jesus Kelley if this has something to do with Hope dragging you into her bullshit…."

Kelley sat up, having heard enough. "Hope didn't drag me into anything" she whispered harshly. "If you must know she's been having nightmares. Every night since we got here. She tosses and turns, begging someone to stop and then she wakes up sweating and sobbing. I'm awake so that I can calm her down enough so she can go back to sleep. "You can leave. Now. And maybe next time, try minding your own fucking business."

Abby wanted to say something. Something that would soothe Kelley. Anything she tried to say sounded stupid in her head so she left, resigned to wonder how that tiny freckled ball of energy had gotten Hope to trust her.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst

After training, Kelley took her time getting her things together and made her way over to Carli and Abby who were bagging the balls. 10+ years on this team and yet here they were, bagging balls like rookies.

"Hey uh, captain. Can I talk to you for a sec?" Kelley asked hesitantly. Not many people called Abby captain even though technically she and Christie shared the job. Kelley thought it was appropriate. A sign of respect. Abby looked up and squinted at the younger woman through the sun. She stood up and nodded her head at Carli who grabbed her bag and headed towards the rest of the team.

"Sure. Wanna help me with these?" Abby asked holding one of the ball bags out to Kelley. She took it and hoisted it over her shoulder. They tossed the bags into the equipment van and Abby slammed the door shut. She took a water bottle out of her bag and squirted it a few times into her mouth. Kelley lounged against the side of the van, scuffing the heal of her shoe into the gravel.

"I'm sorry. About last night. About telling you to…"

"Mind my own fucking business?" Abby interrupted, looking slightly amused.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You didn't deserve it."

Abby shrugged. "Don't worry about it."

Kelley nodded. "Thanks."

Abby moved closer to the younger woman, squeezing her shoulder. "Look Kell. I just want you to be careful okay? With Hope. Just be careful."

Kelley looked up, crossing her arms defensively. "Why does everyone keep telling me that? You, Carli, Christie, why do you guys still treat me like a child?"

"We don't treat you like a child Kelley. We just don't want to see you hurt" Abby countered.

"Why do you automatically assume she's going to hurt me?" Kelley asked exasperatedly.

"I don't think she would mean to hurt you but I think you could be collateral damage in whatever she's going through right now."

Kelley looked away from the older woman. "At least she talks to me" she mumbled.

"What?"

"We talked" Kelley stated clearly. "When she was suspended. We talked a lot. Sometimes she was sober, sometimes she wasn't. Mostly she just cried, but she talked to me and it was real and honest and…We talked."

Abby sighed. "That's good. That's really good. She trusts you. She doesn't trust anyone. The fact that she trusts you is a minor miracle. "

She brushed a piece of dirt off Kelly's face and picked up her bag, leaving Kelley lounging against the van.

 

* * *

 

_Kelley didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. By the time Jill and the coaches had gathered the team that morning to tell them that Hope had been suspended, she was already gone. Kelley called her at every water break during practice. She must have left 10 messages and 15 texts. When her phone did ring it was 1:00 in the morning. Kelley grabbed her phone and slid out of bed, seeing those four letters flash brightly. She went out into the hallway of the player dorms, so as not to disturb Tobin. She was a light sleeper. Kelley swiped and put the phone to her ear._

_"Hope?". Silence. "Hope are you there?" She heard a light rustling._

_"Yeah. I'm here."_

_Damnit Hope. Kelley closed her eyes and leaned her head against the hallway. She was drunk. Kelley could tell from the drag in her voice._

_"Whats going on? Where are you?"_

_"I'm in Seattle. They uh…" Kelley could hear the tears catching in Hopes throat._

_"They want me to do three weeks of intensive inpatient treatment."_

_Kelley sighed in relief. "Well that's good right? That's really really good."_

_Hope started sobbing and it was hard for Kelley to make out what she was saying._

_"I just….I'm so afraid all the time. When does it go away? When can I stop being afraid?" The way she asked it was almost like a child to a parent._

_It wasn't until she felt something wet on her face that Kelley realized she was crying to._

_"I don't know Hope. I don't know, but you need help okay? You need help."_


	3. Chapter 3

The night before the first game against Norway, Kelly was hanging out with Tobin and Alex in there room watching The Bachelor. Carli came in with her concerned face on. The three of them completely ignored her so Carli stepped in front of the TV, eliciting groans.

"What the hell Car, were missing the best part" Alex protested, throwing her pillow at Carli who promptly dodged it.

"Kelley can I see you outside please."

"Whatever it is I didn't do it." Carli rolled her eyes.

"Can you just come talk to me outside please? It's important." Kelley wiggled herself out from where she had been squished in-between Tobin and Alex and followed Carli.

"Have you seen Hope recently?" the midfielder asked as she closed the door behind her. Kelley's body visibly stiffened.

"I thought she was asleep, why what happened? Is she ok?" A thousand possibilities ran through Kelley's head of what could have happened, each worst then the last.

"She's in bed just staring at the wall and she won't talk to anyone." Carli rubbed the back of her neck. "I tried but she wouldn't talk to me. I think she needs you."

"Shit" Kelley mumbled under her breath. "Thanks Carli". The older woman watched as Kelley raced down the hall.

She slid her key card into the door. It was quiet. Quiet for Hope was bad. It usually meant the thoughts in her head were loud. The goalkeeper was curled up on her side under the covers, staring at the wall. Kelley sat down on the edge of the bed and gently rubbed Hopes back.

"Thought you were asleep."

Hope shook her head."Couldn't."

"How come?" Hope shrugged.

There was silence for a few minutes. Kelley knew better than to push her. 

"I keep having this dream where I'm in goal but I can't move. I'm paralyzed. I want to move, to do something but i'm stuck and all I can do is watch the other team score over and over again." Her eyes started to sting so she closed them tight.

"I feel like i'll never be good enough again. I feel like maybe the team is better without me."

Kelley wanted to scream. She wanted to scream and cry. She wanted to scoop Hope up and put them on a plane to some deserted mountain top where there was no media or tabloids or pressure. No sharks circling in the deep, waiting for the smallest hint of blood or distress.

"You need sleep. I'm gonna put on some music okay?" She stood up, plugging her iPhone into the portable speakers that she had stolen from Syd and Pinoe's room. She scrolled through her iTunes, looking for the perfect song. She hit play and made her way back to Hopes bed. She lifted the covers and slid in behind her. She wrapped her arms around her, taking Hopes hands that were balled into fists and opened them, intertwining there fingers. Hope stiffened at the contact at first but allowed her self to relax into the smaller woman's hold.

 

_Made a wrong turn once or twice_

_Dug my way out, blood and fire_

_Bad decisions, that's alright_

_Welcome to my silly life_

 

_Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood_

_Miss 'No way, it's all good'_

_It didn't slow me down._

_Mistaken, always second guessing_

_Underestimated, look I'm still around_

 

_Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel_

_Like you're less than fucking perfect_

_Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel_

_Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me_

 

_You're so mean when you talk_

_About yourself. You were wrong._

_Change the voices in your head_

_Make them like you instead._

 

As she began to drift off, Kelley took one of her hands and tucked a stray hair behind Hopes ear. The goalkeeper was wearing a tank top so she had a perfect view of the jagged scar on her shoulder. Kelley traced it lightly with her finger. She buried her face into her back and quietly whispered the lyrics.

 

_Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel_

_Like you're less than fucking perfect_

_Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel_

_Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me_

* * *

 

The cover of p!nks song that I used when thinking about what they were listening to was[ this one ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vm-agDTRSM). I just thought it was so beautiful and reminded me a lot of both of them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys still enjoying this?

One hand held Hope's hair back in a ponytail while the other gently made it's way under her shirt and was rubbing her back. The keeper hugged the toilet and braced herself. Kelley closed her eye's as the vomit hit the bottom. Again. A few more minutes and Hope felt like there was nothing more she could possibly throw up. She sat up, grabbing the water bottle from the edge of the bath tub. She squirted some into her mouth and grimaced, feeling chunks swirl around in her mouth and quickly spat it out in the toilet. She lowered herself down to the floor, closing her eye's. The cool bathroom tiles felt good on her pounding and overheated head. Kelley laid down opposite and gently ran her fingers through Hopes hair. It was still sweaty and matted from the game. She hadn't even changed out of her warm ups.

"I should have dealt with that goal. I should have tipped it over the bar."

"I think your forgetting the amazing save you made with a reaction time of like 1.5 nanoseconds"

"Could have been better. I have to be better."

"You just came came back after almost six weeks not playing a competitive game."

Hope shrugged.

"Doesn't matter."

Kelley sighed.

"It's kind of ironic that people don't know the person whose most unforgiving of you is you." She brushed a strand of hair out of the keepers face.

"Hope can you look at me?"

Hope shook her head.

"Feel better with my eyes closed."

"Hope please."

She couldn't resist. Not when Kelley was asking so softly. Not when the sound of her voice was laced with genuine concern and pain.

Hope opened her eyes and Kelley ignored the way her heart pounded in her chest when she looked into them.

"We have to talk about it"

"No we don't"

"Ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away"

"No but it sure works great for a little while"

Kelley resisted the urge to kick the keeper.

"Ok fine if you don't want to talk, will you listen while I talk?"

Hope didn't respond. Kelley took that as a yes.

"I think you've been using alcohol to self medicate your underlying anxiety and depression and even though your sober right now your still not openly acknowledging or dealing with it and as your friend i'm scared."

Hope looked away from Kelley. The concern in her face was painful to look at.

"You sound like my shrink"

"Well I did go to Stanford"

"And so humble to"

"Your evading"

"I'm not evading, I never agreed to this conversation. I can't evade something I never agreed to."

"Hope"

"Please Kelley. Please don't make me do this right now? I just want to sleep. I'm so tired, lets just go to sleep."

Kelley could see the water glistening in her eyes. She accidentally brushed the fresh bruise the keeper had gotten from coming out for the ball and landing hard. Hope flinched. Kelley sighed, stood up and pulled off one of the big white fluffy hotel towels that were hanging on the door. She laid back down and draped it over both of them. She ran her fingers through Hopes hair and played with it until the keeper drifted off to sleep. Closing her eyes, she moved closer, curling herself into the keepers chest and strong arms.


	5. Chapter 5

The team celebrated the win at a local village pub in town. Ali and and several of the other girls spent the night being hit on by young portuguese men. Hope, uncharacteristically, decided to join in a game of pool with Abby and Carli, soon discovering she was horrible at it. She hated losing more than anything but tonight it didn't seem to matter. She hadn't felt this good in months. They all knew they had tons of work to do before the world cup. They weren't playing perfectly by a long shot, but for tonight, the win was enough. They all piled into taxi's at 1:00 in the morning. When they got up to the hotel Kelley was still bouncing up and down like she had just had 5 red bulls and two cups of coffee. Hope shook her head at the younger woman's seemingly endless energy.

"Hey Hope can I borrow a pair of pajama pants?" Hope rolled her eyes.

"What happened to yours?"

"I may have leant them to Tobin." Kelley pulled the key card out of Hope's hand and raced down the hall. "Thanks!" she yelled over her shoulder.

Ali and Ashlyn who had walked up with them started cracking up. Hope left them at there door, waving as she followed the younger woman. When she walked into her room Kelley was rummeging through her suitcase. Hope pulled her dress over her head and threw on an old UW shirt, collapsing onto her bed.

"What's this"

"Whats what?" Hope mumbled, closing her eyes.

"This prescription." Hopes eye's shot open and she sat up. Kelley was holding a wrinkled piece of paper.

"Oh that. It's nothing."

"It's a prescription for paxil and zoloft that I found crumpled at the bottom of your bag, that's not nothing."

Hope rubbed her temple. She could feel a headache coming on.

"Don't worry about it."

"Jesus Hope did you have any intention of taking these meds?" Kelley asked angrily throwing the paper onto the desk. Hope looked down at the carpet.

"No."

Kelley scoffed, throwing her hands up in the air. "Well at least your being honest."

Hope stood up, walking over to Kelley.

"Look Kell i'm fine now ok? I saved a penalty, made some good saves, had three shutouts, we won the championship. I'm fine."

Kelley nodded her head in frustration. "Yeah I know. Your Hope "I'm fine" Solo. Your fine until Jeremy leaves a message on your phone drunk, calling you a piece of shit. Your fine until you have a panic attack after a bad game and you can't breathe. Your fine until you wake up crying and then start drinking just to fall asleep. Yeah I get it. Your fine. Everything is fucking fantastic isn't it?"

Hope curled her hands, feeling herself getting defensive.

"I don't need you to mother me ok? I already have one of those."

"How about a dad to tell you when your fucking up?"

That was mean. Kelley knew it was mean. That didn't stop the words from coming out of her mouth.

Hopes anger had turned into white hot rage. She couldn't even look at Kelley.

"Fine you know what Hope? You don't want to deal with your shit, that's your problem. You want to waste your god given talent and potential just to protect your stupid pride then that's fine but don't expect me to watch." Kelley picked up her bag and walked out, slamming the door behind her and leaving the keeper alone standing in the middle of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Ashlyn dumped her water bottle all over the sleeping older woman. It was only half full and given the way Ashlyn was feeling, Hope was lucky she hadn't decided to fill it up the whole way. The older keeper shot up and let out a screech that in any other situation Ashlyn probably would have found hilarious.

"Jesus Ashlyn couldn't you have just given me a nudge or something. How did you get in here?"

"Kelley gave me her key"

Hope looked up from drying off her face with her T-shirt. "You've seen Kelley, is she ok?"

Ashlyn crossed her arms defensively. "No she's not okay. She spent the night crying with Ali. Crying about you."

Hope looked out the window. She could see the vague figure of a man walking down the beach with a small child on his shoulders. It perfectly captured so much of what she had missed out on. Family. Connection. She didn't have memories of days at the beach. She had memories of a little girl waiting for her dad by the window. Days which blurred into months and eventually years.

"God your an idiot you know that?"

"Gee thanks."

"No I just meant-" Ashlyn ran a hand through her hair trying to find her words carefully.

"On the field your a freaking genius. The way you read the game, the way you see the tiniest details. There's no one in the world like you. But when it comes to love, to relationships, your one of the thickest people I have ever I met."

"Is that why you came in here? To tell me how I suck at relationships? Great thanks duly noted, you can leave now." Hope mentally kicked herself. She wasn't supposed to get defensive anymore.  

"She's in love with you. She's in love with you and I don't know if you don't see it or if your just terrified because you love her too but-"

The younger woman frustratedly dug her heal into the carpet.

"You keep pushing her away and she keeps knocking on the door asking to be let in but eventually she's gonna stop."

Ashlyn sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at the older woman as she played with a loose thread on the comforter.

"I know you think you don't get a happy ending. You think you only get disappearances and broken promise's. Maybe there's part of you that feels like that's all you deserve but that's bullshit. You deserve love and joy and connection."

Ashlyn leaned over gently squeezing Hope's arm. The keeper looked up.

"Maybe if you could stop sabotaging yourself for three seconds-" Hope grimaced. The truth was always painful to hear.

"You could see what's right in front of you."

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if i should continue. I might if there is interest.


End file.
